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I'd Like a Quickie
Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over
and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie.""A quickie?!" the waitress replies
with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back
later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."She walks away.Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced
'Quiche'."
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Confucius Sex
Confucious say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good
for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man
who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period
get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man
who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come
in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin
like balloon--one prick, all gone
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Best Pickup Lines I've Used:
The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word
Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?
I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.
Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!
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A Hookers Life
A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.
"I put one stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other
leg, and between the two I make a living."
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Australian Kiss
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.
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Backwards Panties
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.
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Driving in the Fog and...
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole
in front of you.
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Lesbian Love
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
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MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard
feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the
most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you
get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns
to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities
that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's
done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the
lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game
of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome
prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands
on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex
is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets
most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph
of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou
shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman
never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand,
but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be
happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty
is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man,
but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one
of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are
thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60.
"This won't hurt, I promise,"
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(Blank)-gasms!
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on
carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex
with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms..
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex
while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf
course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a
politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter
- toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an
all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex
in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very
satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying
attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a
beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo
- pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex
with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex
with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
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The Internet is like a Penis
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
Some people have it, some don't
People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.
People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyway!
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Prostitutes and Drug Dealers
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
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What is the...
Q. What's the definition of a lesbian?
A. A woman doing a man's job better again!
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